20's Blues

It's December. Google reminds me it's my birthday month. Another year flown by. Soon I'll be a year older not much wiser. Cliché- To look back, the year has been one crazy ride.

December was always the month that had me excited as a child. My birthday was one day I looked forward to the entire year, which is the case with most kids. Now in my twenties, not much has changed. But the only thing I get excited about my birthday is to use my old adage to my friends and family which is "hey my birthday has come after a year!". It is usually met by a cold silence from the other end because they've been listening to this forever and topic being changed swiftly.

This year was supposed to be special. I was excited. Well, it was special in it's own way. A close friend of mine lost her father in January. Right at the start of the month. It had a huge impact on me. Never had I seen the dead, let alone be present at a funeral. At the funeral mass, all my prayers with the family and Uncle Francis, I felt something warm against my cheeks. Tears rolling down. With my hands folded, head bent I could only question my God. I've been the girl who's been brought up to respect all religions. I've prayed at temples, at mosques, at churches. Otherwise a strong girl, I was standing in front of God, asking why him, why my friend... It made me question and ponder about things I otherwise never thought about.  My friend, like me was extremely close to her father. It broke my heart to see her that way. I could never bring myself to console her but just be there. I had to leave the country for three months and the prospect of leaving my father behind scared me. Every night that I kissed him goodnight, I'd be scared to leave him and go. I've always been closest to my father, my love for him being infinite. But it just made me love him a tad bit more than the huge vortex of love I already have for him.

I was to leave my country to stay in Germany for three months. Always the baby of the house, a bit too over protected... I was nervous. I'd always run to my father with the littlest problems. Ask my mother for her opinions and listen to my elder brother's advice. Here I was to be separated from them geographically and also in time. How would I live? I was literally like the dog scared to enter water. I couldn't bring myself to look behind when I entered the Mumbai airport gate, because I knew my Father's eyes were moist. But I just looked forward... To what surprises life had to offer.

As a student of Literature and Diaspora being my favorite area of study, I knew and felt why airports are this liminal transition space for people. I knew I'd never return back to the same home as the same person. And I did not disappoint myself.

The new country was beautiful and cold. Everything was different but the sky. My friend and classmate traveling with me is a happy-go-lucky girl who'll make friends anywhere and in no time. I'm the ambivert. I take time. I gauge and analyze. But the start was rough for both the extrovert and the ambivert. The people were different, and so was the place. We found family in each other. Cooking, doing laundry, shopping for groceries, living... we did everything together (except bathing of course). Years later we are going to discuss all the times we spent scared, tipsy and happy. The grooves that the times we spent together left in our minds...

Travelling changes people. It broadens their horizons. Before I left, I spoke to a cousin of mine who'd lived in the States for a considerable amount of time. He gave me one of the best advices ever- to travel and see things and people with an open mind, I'd be amazed at how the world is. I felt it to be every bit of true when I traveled. I was truly amazed in every sense. Sometimes I'd be walking alone, suddenly realizing I've no family around and still be okay and just walk ahead. This feeling was something new to me... I still miss the space and independence I felt there, the beautiful people I met there, I miss Amy, the golden retriever who lived next door. And to be in a new land and just be yourself is something I miss immensely.

This year got me my Master's degree. Another feather on my little hat. A huge high for me when the results got declared and I scored way above my expectations. A small victory. All the road blocks, all the demotivating comments that were snidely passed on one side and being an M.A hons with research on one. To finally finish, what I took on with a lot of people not supporting my decision. It's difficult to go against the existing norms and follow what your heart wants.

It was the year of transition and books(again) ! My transition from books to Kindle was long due but I was always trying to put it on hold. Finally I gave in, when my brother got me one. While it's relatively easy to carry around, my affair with books will never end. Kindle will never give me the scent of the new books I like to smell. But things change and change is the only constant in our lives.

I realize now, your 20's is an odd space to be in. Its the in-between space. Of who you want to be and what is expected of you. You either become what you want or you become what "they" expect you to be. You doubt your choices, you question yourself. Some things work out, some don't. Some emotions get a hold of you to only make you sensitive to certain things. It makes you more aware. It’s okay to lose yourself for a little while. In books, in music, in art. Let yourself get lost. But to remain true to yourself is what matters, to what you believe in.

This year got the better of me. Wonder how bumpy the ride in 2018 would be. Oh the 20's blues.